


Helping Murderface

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Dildos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-14
Updated: 2010-12-14
Packaged: 2018-03-16 23:01:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3505994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Murderface has a big problem, and everyone tries to help out.<br/>Pairings: Murderface/himself (you’ll see) and a bit of everyone else too<br/>Warnings: This whole fic centers around Murderface’s ass.  (If that isn’t warning enough, then there’s no hope for you)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Helping Murderface

Murderface had never expected to find himself in this situation. He’d reached the point where, as embarrassing and gay as it would be, he would have to ask for help. But who might possibly understand and know what to do?  
Toki? Toki might know. At the very least, he would probably understand. With a resigned sigh, Murderface sent a text.

Toki was confused by the vague text, but headed down to Murderface’s room anyway.  
He opened the door only to see Murderface naked on the bed in an odd position. “Oh shits, sorries, I comes back later BYE!”  
“Toki, wait!”  
The door paused, still partially open.  
“You have to help me, I schrewed up and I don’t know what to do!”

The door didn’t move. “Whys me?”  
“Becausche... becausche you have a dildo too?”  
The door opened and Toki walked into the room. “Oh fucks Moiderface, what dids you do?” There was no dildo in sight.  
“It wasch an achident! It went all the way in and I can’t get it out! Hash thsich ever happened to you?”  
“Noes, I’s smart enough to buys the kind with balls.”

Murderface looked uncomfortable in his current position, but was clearly afraid to move. Toki sat on the edge of the bed. “Tries to relax, I’s pretty sure that’s not helpings. Has you tries to, you knows, reach in and grabs it?”  
Murderface carefully relaxed until his back lay flat on the bed. “Of coursche I tried that! I can’t do it.”  
“I don’ts know what you thinks I can does.”  
“Will you... Toki, will you try to get it out? Pleasche?”

Toki thought about it. He really should help if he could. “Um, does you have any of those rubber gloves?”  
Murderface pointed. “Top drawer.”  
“You shoulds probably goes to the doctors.” But Toki got a glove and put it on. There was a bottle of lube on the bed, he put some on the glove. “You sures about this?”  
“Do it.”

One finger or two? Since there was already some sort of dildo in there, he figured that two was a good place to start. Toki slowly pushed his fingers inside.  
“Scho can you reach it?”  
“Yeah, but I can’t grabs it like this.” He twisted his fingers, trying to work them a little further and higher. That wasn’t helping, if only he could use his thumb...  
“OW SCHTOP! Thisch ischn’t working.”

Toki withdrew his fingers. “Skwisgaar has long fingers, I bets he can reach it.” He stripped off the glove and pulled out his phone.  
“No, don’t call Shkwischgaar!” But it was already too late. Murderface wondered if it was possible to die from embarrassment. Unfortunately, it probably wasn’t.  
Toki patted him on the shoulder, but he wasn’t comforted.

Soon Skwisgaar walked into the room, followed by Nathan who’s been there when the text came in.  
“Whoa, Murderface is naked. Why are we here?”  
“Skwisgar, you gots to try to gets the dildo out. I tries, but my fingers are too shorts. He has gloves overs there.”  
Nathan was looking everywhere but at Murderface. “Wow, that’s pretty fucked up.”  
Skwisgaar got a glove.

Nathan noticed a box the was mostly hidden under the bed and kicked it out. “Clone-A-Willy? I never thought that if we told you to go fuck yourself enough times that you’d actually do it!”  
Toki cocked his head. “What’s clones a willy?”  
“This kit they sell for you to make a copy of your dick. For your girlfriend, or I guess for yourself. I don’t know how well it works though.”  
“We ams going to find outs if I can grabs it. Holds on, Murderfaces.” Skwisgaar stuck his fingers in.

He tried for a while, but like Toki, just couldn’t get any grip on it. “Can you takes mine hand? Dat’s de only way I ams going to gets it.”  
Skwisgaar had slim fingers, but his hands weren’t small. “No! Don’t even try that! There’sch got t be schome other way...”  
“Pickles has small hands.” Nathan was already texting him.  
Murderface closed his eyes. Pickles _did_ have small hands, maybe it would work. Still, a hand was pretty scary.

Soon Pickles had joined them. “Oh I’ve had ta do this before, fer... it doesn’t matter who.” He stripped off one wrist band and put on a glove. He started with three fingers and soon had the rest started. “Tha knuckles are tha hard part, jest try ta relax.”  
They all watched as Pickles twisted his hand, slowly working it in.  
Murderface sweated and fought to relax, but it hurt. Success was so close, he could hold on just a little longer.  
And then the hand was in.

“Oops.”  
“ _Oopsch?!_ Thisch isch not the time for oopsch! What juscht happened?”  
“Sahrry, I kinda accidently pushed it in further. I can’t rally reach it now.” He grabbed the lube again. “Well after tha hand, the arm isn’t all thet bad.”  
“No!” Murderface couldn’t deal with this. “Juscht get your hand out, _gently!_ ”  
Pickles shrugged and started working his hand back out.  
Murderface fought his body’s unconscious desire to react to the way that hand was pressing and twisting.

Pickles got his hand out, tossed the glove and put his wrist band back on. “Isn’t using a dildo a little gay fer ya?”  
“It’sch not gay if it’sch your own hand, right? Scho it’s not gay if it’sch your own dick.”  
“You knows, dat is acyuallies making some sense. Stills, if I does dat I tink I wants somebody attached to de other ends so dis sort of ting doesn’t happen, you knows?”  
“But that’sch gay!”  
“I think hasing alls of us sticks our hands in you ams pretty gays too, ja?”  
Murderface had no reply.

Then Charles came in, with Knubbler randomly trailing along behind him. Someone had texted him about the situation. “Murderface, we really should get you to the doctor.”  
“Willy doesn’t need a doctor, I know how to handle this!” Knubbler _sounded_ confident at least.  
“That’sch what Picklesch schaid.” Still, if they could resolve this without a doctor...  
“Come on, Babe, let’s get you into the right position.” They watched as Knubbler urged Murderface into a squatting position on the floor.  
Skwisgaar was now reading (or trying to read) the Clone-A-Willy box.

Knubbler squatted beside hin and stuck a couple fingers in so he’d be able to monitor their progress. “Okay Babe, now push!”  
Murderface did, grunting and straining.  
Skwisgaar tossed the box aside and commented to no one in particular, “Pays attention now, and you will learns where ass babies comes from.”  
“Schrew you, Shwischgaar!”

“Keep pushing, Willy! I can feel the end, a little more and we’ll have it out of you! Come on!”  
Murderface nodded and obeyed, he could feel that it was lower.  
“Here it comes, here it comes!” Knubbler grasped the base and carefully worked it all the way free.  
“Ugh, why the hell is it _green_?” Nathan had been trying not to look, but failed.  
“Becausche I wanted the optional dye kit and that wasch the only color they had in schtock!” Murderface flopped himself back on his bed and lay there, resting.

They all looked at the somewhat lumpy green dildo that Knubbler set on the bed.  
“Moiderface, stop copies me!”   
“I waschn’t copying you! Jeesch.”  
“Oh fucks you, my codpiece is still the coolest.”  
“Whatever. Guysch, could you all leave now so I can die of embarrasschment in peace?”  
To his relief, they all filed out. His ordeal was over.


End file.
